The older I get, the younger I feel-perhaps that’s not right; the more naïve I feel. I’m supposed to be an adult but the maturity I took pride in in high school is no longer so above and beyond. Now it seems I’m having to play catch up. Rare is the moment in which I feel like an adult, a lady, a possible wife, business owner. Yet the time for me to truly launch out into the depths of adulthood-financial independence, my profession and hopefully my marriage and all that lies beyond will be here any moment. Will I be ready? I guess in the back of my mind I assumed that I’d wake up one day and feel like an adult. Perhaps when I graduated? Perhaps when I turned 21? But somehow I have the sneaking suspicion that that day will never arrive. It seems that so many of my contemporaries (and even some younger to my chagrin) have already crossed the threshold from youth to adulthood. Will I ever feel ready to walk down the aisle? Or be secure enough not to need that?
Paradox #1
I’ll be entering the professional world soon. I’m getting my feet wet now. I suppose that’s what college is for-getting in the water slowly inch by inch. But you know- I was always the kid to run wildly and leap in now matter how cold or how deep. Perhaps that’s why I’m so restless at college just going through the motions. My spirit wants to jump in but I’m forced to inch my way in.
Paradox #2
On the other hand I’m a planner. I have to over think and analyze ever nuance. I have to understand it. Seems I’ve lost that gumption and courage. When it comes to following God wherever He would take me I fear that I’d be more likely to wait and analyze, just go around in circles instead of jumping right in. I don’t want to see the picture of that hat. I want to see the elephant inside the boa constrictor.
I desire adventure and romance. I need to live an uncommon life. Somewhere inside me there’s a wild free spirit. That girl who doesn’t make decisions based on circumstances. I was the goofy faithful kid who’d climb higher, jump farther and push harder despite all obstacles. But somewhere along the way that spirit was bridled. It still rears up, but so does doubt and my ever so analytical “grown up” mind. I’m good…but not good enough. I’m funny…but some other girl is funnier. I have some great things going for me…but some other girl will get his heart. All those feelings and many more tend to reign over the once free-spirited girl. Comparisons are odious.
Life was so uncomplicated as a kid. Which makes me think of childlike faith….Mhh. That concept has always bothered me, if ever so slightly. It’s vulnerable, naïve, perhaps uneducated.
Kids may be naïve but they know who they are, where they’re going and what they want.
“Only the children know what they are looking for”.-the Little Prince
"The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible, and achieve it, generation after generation."-Pearl S. Buck
I’ve been afraid to dream, to desire. To write and compose for fear that I’m just mediocre. Kids will try anything. They know how to push the envelope, toe the line and see how far they can go. I believe that when Jesus said, “Let the little children come”, He wanted the audacious and goofy kids. Those kinds of kids know who they are and that he loves them.
Often, when we picture that scene we see some precious wide eyed meek child timidly approaching Him. That is not what I see. Kids don’t care about formality or titles. The kids Jesus was referring to weren’t concerned with impressing him with their holiness. I picture an incorrigible little guy with a twinkle in his eye. I see him marching right up to J.C. and demanding the Biblical era equivalent of a dodge ball game. Does the Messiah chastise the ignorant tyke for being irreverent? No way. He’s going to get down and run around with those kids chasing him and cheering when He lets them get Him. This kid isn’t out of line. He is approaching the throne of grace with confidence. Shouldn’t we? At first the concept of childlike faith comes across as naïve and ignorant. This topic leads me to think also of our being compared to sheep. In multiple places in the Bible we are compared to sheep. Sheep are dumb. They blindly follow. We are trained to have to know, to criticize-so to be sheeplike seems to be weakness and stupidity. However, sheep know their master’s voice. Even though some earthly shepherds might use that knowledge to lead their flocks to the slaughter, our Shepherd has not, is not and will not ever lead us astray. We can confidently follow His voice. It isn’t blind faith or stupidity. It is because we know who we are, who our God is and who we are in Him. We follow the voice of the one we trust.
So it seems I have things a bit mixed up. I feel young and naïve but without the wild abandon. I do however possess the oh-so-grown-up analytical mind. So I question my maturity and readiness. I love the blunt way kids praise and criticize. No matter how many times they’ve told the same bad knock-knock joke they will continue to find it hilarious long after all grown ups are praying for some intellectual conversation. Being a mature Christian doesn’t mean blind obedience to an invisible shepherd or adopting an uppity religiosity-but to be confident in who He is and who we are in Him. Knowing that if we launch out into the deep he won’t just keep us from drowning-He will take us deeper into a new level of experiencing Him.
Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.-The Little Prince
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